Boy, for a person who doesn’t have a job, I sure feel like my days go by way to fast! I have been in Colorado a little under 3 weeks, and it has been a much bigger transition than I had anticipated in my mind.
Emotions, emotions everywhere. For one, I never dealt with any feelings when I was packing to come out here. The whole month of February was spent packing, selling furniture, and planning a move. No time to feel anything. At least that’s what I told myself.
I’m not a crier. It’s hard to explain, I can feel like I really want to cry, but I just plain can’t, no matter how hard I try. So usually I don’t know I need a good cry until my feelings get so intense I can’t help but let the water works fly. Not crying may seem like a good thing, but it’s like a vacuum cleaner that gets plugged, and when you finally get the plug out, dust explodes everywhere making a huge mess. Had I cleaned the vacuum more frequently that wouldn’t have happened. I hope that was an original enough analogy, I was trying to be interesting. So basically crying in certain circumstances lets out the pressure, pain, fear, exhaustion, loss etc. that a person is feeling so it doesn’t build up and come out sideways.
The only time I think I cried my last month in Iowa was when I was driving to see my dad one of my final times, and realized I didn’t have much time left with him. Here I am driving, no Kleenex in the car, crying big fat vision blocking tears. It lasted less than 5 minutes and I was done. Listened to some music, and then another 5 minute crying jag. Those are the only tears I shed though that month, I was on autopilot.
I got my first job rejection by e-mail this week. It was for a part-time library job that would have been perfect to get my foot in a library again, but it would have paid the bills also. I was positive I would get an interview at least, and so was my mom, but instead I got told I was not a chosen candidate. It crushed me. Here I was already having the week from hell emotionally, and now this to top it off. The woman I am staying with was so kind and comforting. She told me “God has a plan for you, and that job obviously wasn’t meant to be in it. The perfect job will come along.” She also gave be a great big bear hug. It felt good to get both of those from someone I am just beginning to know.
Well needless to say the waterworks had been making an appearance at least once a day this week, and the damn broke the day I got the job rejection. I don’t remember the last time I cried that hard. It sounds terrible, and like you should pat me on the back and say there, there, but it was such a good thing. I was letting go of all those pent up emotions that I have been stuffing down. I must say I felt better the next day, and even better today since that happened. God bless my mother. She has been through ALL that I am going through, so she can easily sympathize. I have her to look to as a success story though because she just started her new job yesterday, that pays great, and that she came home and said she loved and can’t wait to continue. If she can have that, so can I!
So moral of the story, don’t hold your tears or emotions back. Stuffing them down will only result in an explosion of emotions, resulting in a river of tears. If you let out the tears as they come it won’t result in a huge, massive, red puffy eyed display. I am doing better since I bawled and let out that pent up pressure. No matter male or female, or your age, it’s okay to cry and not feel ashamed. Heck, I’ve been tearing up each time the commercial comes on TV for the “Blind Side” because it’s such an emotional movie! I know there are more tears to come, but I welcome them. They are crappy in the moment, but lead to relief and even tranquility in the end. Let the tears flow.